Monday, September 21, 2009

Tour de Homes

This past weekend Jeremy, Steph and I decided to go on the parade of homes. We made a few stops, critiqued the homes, and made some astute observations as follows:

Steph: “At what point did we go from tagging along with our parents on the parade of homes and hating it, to deciding to attend on our own? All I remember is hating this thing, and now I choose to go”

Jeremy: “If I were gifted this 1.7 million house, I would also have to ask for the gift of redecoration”

Steph: In response to the whiskey bottles staged around and cigars placed on desks: “Why is it that they assume, people who buy $2 million homes also drink a lot? I thought people with no homes drank a lot. Apparently it goes both ways.”

And finally. We ended our tour de homes at the grand pubah. The 'dream home' located in Orono. And by Orono, I mean the farthest reaches of the farthest West potion of a far away suburb. The home was priced at $3,109,000 and featured an Olympic sized pool, theater, bar (clearly), refrigerator I couldn't seem to find because it was paneled like the cupboards, and then there was the main event...

The greatest feature of the home. This $3,109,000 home. Something I had never seen before, and frankly, hope to never see again. The igallop.

I kid you not. This device shown above sat along side a nordic trak within the home's fitness room. And I promise, I did not at all crawl on my hands and knees in the $3,109,000 home to figure out how to turn on the igallop, and I did not then climb on and test it out within one of the most expensive homes in Minnesota. Not at all. I would not do that.

I would like to explain the features of the product shown above, but I think this video demonstrates better than my words ever could:

Yes, the igallop. Maybe I'm totally behind the curve and everyone knows about the glories of the iGallop. Maybe I have missed the iGallop phase, but this blows the snuggie hoopla out of the water.

In conclusion, I have written the following letter to Parade of homes:

Dear Parade of Homes,

Thank you for allowing me to parade through your homes. They were lovely, albeit overpriced, but lovely. I do not plan to buy any of them, but I would like to share that the decor was quite atrocious in most of the homes. Since you asked and all.

Further, I would like to thank you for the comic interlude which culminated my experience of the 'Tour de Homes'. The iGallop. When building this $3.1 million home I bet you were thinking to yourselves, gee, every $3.1 million home needs a faux horse in which to ride. Faux horse indeed. No need to waste ones time with a treadmill when you have the iGallop.

Thank you for your time, and allowing me to do what I love most - peer into the lives of others. Particularly those who own iGallops. Next time, it would be way more fun if these homes were occupied, and they were more surprise visits with thousands of people - here to view their homes. I dunno, just a thought.

Thank you Parade of homes,

Kara Frank


Debra Fiterman said...

I don't understand. Is the iGallop only for feline use? Or is it for human use? And why? More explanation needed please!

Kara Frank said...

Oh no, the iGallop is for human use, this is just a cat who climbed on to it. You sit on it, and it thrashes you around like you're on a horse.